Be Grateful....

Ahhh...and yet I begin another new blog; another new day to the story of my life. Then again, questions I still ponder each time I sit to write.  The questions: What does one blog about? What should 'I' blog about? Once again, reading others, I can't help but to think that maybe I should take this opportunity of a challenge in writing on a daily basis as a way of bringing out that creative novelist in me. Use this to my mental advantage and possibly begin excerpts on certain novels I've had stewing in my mind for...oh...well over 20 years now! In the same token, I can't help that slight desire to use this more as a means of a journal style. Journals. One thing I never became accustomed to. Never put down on paper my feelings; my daily activities; my life's adventures. Do I start now? And...yet again...I contemplate as using this as an inspirational means, not only for myself, but possibly others, maybe? After all, some are not much for fictional reading (myself included) and others are most definitely not interested in the lifelong stories of a forty one year old woman. Or lifelong stories of any average individual, period! I do hope in the future to overcome not only the laziness that resides in me when it comes to taking time to sit and type, but also the slight writer's block preventing me from beginning my stories. Perhaps, however, I should take this slow and keep things simple. Rather "attempt" to keep it simple as some may have already read past compilations rambling on about my oh so troublesome life! 


For each day...I feel something new; something fresh; and always something inspirational that gets me through my days. Always a key word or phrase that sticks with me every moment, whether it be a moment of happiness, a moment of stress, a moment of fear, a moment of sadness or just a moment of silence to think of all that I have to be grateful for! Today..I had that latter moment.


I woke this morning without the words "Honey gotta sexy all steamin; she give hotness a new meanin." Now, now...that is simply my song for my alarm ringtone! Some may have read my blog yesterday and may understand what I'm referring to, other's have not, but nevertheless, it's been a great last few days having my three wonderful children with me. Until then...having been alone 80% of the time, when I didn't have them caused some emotional struggles. I was so excited. Even more so after taking my daughter for leveling at the new school in St. Paul that she was so blessed to be accepted to. Then again, while sitting in that auditorium, I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head as to the battle I surely will be facing in the upcoming months. The one in where I will take on my "ex" head to head in getting my daughter here, in my home, living with...her mother!!! In my opinion, a living situation any fifteen year old should have considering all she encounters now is much animosity with all males who reside in her home; being her father and older brother. While he has his moments of being a fairly decent father, when it comes to his dealings with me, sadly my children come second in his efforts to "win." Anyway, I opted to post this dilemma on Facebook. Needless to say, I received much advice, best wishes and positive feedback. With the exception of an acquaintance. A friend on FB, but one I only see at events a few times a year. She explained her situation in that her husband, too, has custody of their fifteen year old. That little teenage girl is desperate to live with her mother, yet Dad is fighting tooth and nail. I told her that her daughter is of age to decide for herself in front of a judge. Then she revealed the exigent circumstances of her situation.....she lives in Wisconsin....her 'ex' moved to Texas...with their daughter. This woman has only been allowed to see her daughter 6 weeks in the summer and 2 weeks in the winter for the past 5 years! Fighting for custody between two different states is an absolutely treacherous clamor!! It was in hearing her story that suddenly, mine became quite moot! Yet, it also boosted my spirit in that I was forced to remind myself that while we all have our trials and tribulations...when we talk to the right people, hear their life's ongoing's we are able to say "It could always be worse!" I know everything will work out the way it is supposed to. If we believe; if we stay positive; if we have faith, we can all live happily ever after! Maybe not the way we had ultimately dreamed of, but happy no less! 

A new day; A new beginning!

It was 5:00am and for the second day in a row, I rose from that old flattened pillow; sat up; looked at my phone and smiled as I hopped out of bed to begin my day! Whilst no one could begin to understand by that comment just how significant that was, it was truly my sign that things not only needed to get better in my mind....they ARE getting better.

After my 'ex' left me over eight years ago, my life was an up and down, intense roller coaster struggle. But I fought and fought and worked my way from never being allowed to work from the time we met at the young ol' age of 19 until he, what I have always described as, deserted me at 33. No work history, no money, no job and three young children to care for. Leaving the dreary and rather negative details of the previous years silent, in the first couple years of his walking away, there were many things I, to this day, regret having done. Nothing astonishing; nothing illegal; nothing damaging to one's life. Simply decisions in which the blasphemous, overpowering and controlling life spent with him forced on me through naivety and ignorance. Looking back now....even at the time he had left...I was still but a child.  I continued for two more years believing he cared and knew what was best for me and our three children. I walked away leaving all I had behind, though not out of sight. While the house was no longer a part of my life, my sons and daughter were and always have been. Despite that, it took years for me to find that inner self-worth. Once I did...watch out world! A woman who started that new life innocent and gullible brought myself from a low-paying job doing school photography and a self-esteem that was so low it probably saw hell itself, made it through many jobs in the security field, though never quite making it to the top. Yet, that strength within me continued to grow and grow. I knew someday...I was destined for good things. God has His reasons and I had faith that the best was yet to come.

It was May of 2009 when I had received a call from the nursing home in which my lonely aunt had been residing in for nearly two years after her last fall due to her progressing MS. I was told she was going to the hospital for an infection. My mother (Rita's sister) and my father were unreachable and sadly, no other family member of hers (7 brothers and sisters and countless nieces and nephews) were willing to ever step up to the plate.  I was working as a security officer; probably the most rewarding on a personal level and making great money. More than I would have imagined merely a few years prior. I went to see my aunt.  It didn't take long to realize she was not doing well in that wretched home she was in. Nursing homes...a place in which one places their loved one to be cared for when they no longer can. A joke, nonetheless. Here, Rita, at the age of 57 (diagnosed with MS at the age of 20), walked in to the home originally using her walker, was now a regular bed-bound resident. Incontinent; unable to get out of bed without being lifted; unable to feed herself or even have the pleasure of taking a drink of water when she was thirsty. Her mind was withering, as well. After discovering she had been to the hospital 11 times in 12 months for dehydration, I became her Power of Attorney and moved her to, what I thought to be, a much better home. All the while, still working hard at my job and taking care of my children when I was so fortunate to have them. That, however, did not last long. Within two months,  yet another call received, I hurried out to my car leaving work early...yet again...and raced to see what the problem could be this time. When I arrived at 3:00pm, all she spoke was gibberish. Checking the pitcher of water placed on the roll around table in the morning and noticing it was warm, I knew the staff had not done their job in keeping her hydrated. I worked fervently to try to bring her back to normalcy. After a couple hours, she worsened eventually slipping into a coma like state. It was time to call for emergency help. Flabbergasted when the "head nurse" informed me they can't call 911 until they have "all the proper paperwork ready for paramedics," I dialed from my cell phone. In an hours time, Rita was in the ER; doctors scrambling; x-ray machines being rushed in; codes on the intercom being called to her room and we were merely told she was in a bad state and we needed to wait in the family waiting room. So there I sat, my mother and father by my side, all of us pondering the situation. What could it be? She was just dehydrated, right? Why such a fuss? Why such chaos? Why? What? Oh Lord.....let her be alright!

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, a surgeon came to us to explain her colon had burst. She was Septic! Surgery was an option but he insisted she would never survive it and gave her approximately three days to live. Here I was....finally working on bringing my life together and I had a decision to make. A life or death decision! Standing by her side, leaned over, I begged and begged her to tell me what to do, despite her being completely incoherent. Though many believe it was in my own head...that doesn't matter to me. I know what I heard! She whimpered slightly. Nothing that could be understood by anyone, but to me? She wanted to fight! That was it! Do the surgery!!! Despite the nearly heated argument with the surgeon as he insisted it was a poor choice, I knew this was the right thing to do. If she didn't make it through grueling procedure....that was HER choice!!! Not mine! Letting her go on that gurney would have made it mine and that just wasn't my call to make I felt. She survived!!!!!!

At the time of her release from the hospital a mere one week later my life changed completely! The job I was so proud to have was no longer an option. Rita never having been married, never having children of her own, never even so much as even having a pet....she came home with me. My life was spent at home caring for her. While I gave up much of my life for this...it was worth it. I still had my children; so did she. I had my beloved dog, Orlando; so did she. My parents eventually moved in to help out and though it was a very stressful, pain-staking, low-paying and daunting job....it was my calling! Rita now had things in her life she never had before! Love!!! People who truly cared. And despite the countless doctors telling us time and time again that she would be lucky to survive a couple months, this fine lady had the strength far greater than anyone could possibly imagine and provided us the pleasure of having her with us for another 2 1/2 years.

October 2011 was the time. I had to finally make that distressing and heart-wrenching decision to put her on Hospice. She had simply grown too weak to fight certain infections. She rallied for two weeks. Sunday, October 30th at 3:33pm Rita took her last breath. We cried, but we smiled at the same time. For Rita not only was finally out of her misery, she was able to spend her last days with.....FAMILY! And her last hours and her last breath with myself, my mother, my father and....the only pet she'd ever known...her protector through her last years, Orlando laying on the floor at her bedside. She was gone; she was at peace! 

While we mourned the loss, we also rejoiced she was in Heaven with my grandma! Yet....the worse was yet to come. 

No life insurance...those of us caring for her made little money doing so...we struggled more than we've ever struggled before. The hardest time of my entire life. My 'ex' leaving me the way he did had no comparison over this. I had given up my life; no job; no money; funeral expenses; household expenses and the list went on. Within days I was so distraught, I was ready to give up. It was that following Wednesday and my head was spinning with thoughts of what to do now, what will I do in the upcoming weeks, how do I care for my kids when they are with me, how will I pay the bills. We had visitation that morning and she was due to be cremated that night. I laid in my bed, Jack...the trusted teddy bear my daughter had given me years ago to hold when she was not with me; the one who's seen and heard the worst from my mouth, my heart and the many tears that covered him over the years, was wrapped ever so tightly in my arms as I wept; sobbed rather. Telling God I'm done! I can't do it! I give up! I simply cannot survive anymore tests He'd chosen to bestow upon me. Pill bottle in hand....but what about my children? Then something came over me.  Something that simply cannot be explained. Something that many would not understand. Amidst the downpour of tears.....I was smiling! SMILING!!!! This absolute feeling of relief had completely overwhelmed my entire soul. I sat up confused and amazed at the same time! Everything was going to be alright! I knew it was! And....I know it was God, my grandma and my beloved Rita holding me tight at that moment, instilling their love and strength into my being! It was fantastically amazing!

I continued to struggle for the next few months. I mean...what happened to me that night wasn't a "fix all" event. I had to work...physically and emotionally! I gave it everything I had. Within five months, I was hired not only back in the security field, but to head the entire security department of downtown high rise. Having lived with someone (husband, boyfriend, roommates, parents and my aunt) for the past twenty years, I finally got a place of my own! All on my own! I moved in April and the first days were utterly relieving. Then...loneliness set in! My new job and home took me nearly 30 minutes south of my children. I didn't like being alone. Depression started to hit. Once again, I stood strong and within one week, joined 3 volleyball leagues and one kickball league. Kept me busy...yet I was still so lonely way out in this small community so far from anything and anyone I had known for twenty two years. When it was once the norm for me to wake at 4:30 or so every morning, I slowly resorted to making the "snooze" button a regular morning routine; no energy; no motivation; no desire to face my drawn out lonely day. Crawling out of bed; dragging; one cup of coffee not doing a thing any longer. Financial struggles off and on, my 20 year old totaling his car just before I moved (he was to live with me and now had to remain north due to his job) and with my hours and the driving distance, my other two unable to see me as often as they used to. All this is not to mention the fact that my seventeen year old son is at that age where friends (and girls) are a key part in his life right now, spending an entire weekend with Mom and not being able to pop back and forth with his "crew," well he often opted to stay in Fridley on my weekends.  Though, despite my morning lows, I continued my days holding to my faith, my strength and my belief every single day that "Today" is a new day. That everything will work out. And if it doesn't today? Tomorrow is a new day! And here...is today!

My kids are finished with school for the summer. Mikey (my oldest) finally got a new car and is moving in next week after a very long work weekend for him. My 'ex' brought Mitchell and Christina to me on Friday where they will stay for some time! With Mikey having a car now, he's more than willing to help out should they want to go spend a night with friends by their dads. Maybe pick up their friends to come stay here. He's going to help with bills. Last night, Mitchell and Christina made me dinner. Mitchell's best friend drove all the way down here to spend the night as we have a beautiful hot Sunday planned with a day at the beach. Yes....my SON wants to go to the beach with Mom!!!! Oh the smiles! Of course, he's begging to bring Orlando with as he openly claims to me "But Mom, he's our 'Chic Magnet'" but nevertheless....he's here with me. No alarm this morning....my eyes opened before the sun and there was no sadness! No lack of will! All happiness. I turned to see Christina laying next to me cuddled with James, her trusted teddy bear, and I smiled. I got out of bed, came into the living room to see Mitchell and his friend having fallen asleep on chairs  while watching movies late last night. I smiled. I looked out the front window to see Mikey's SUV parked in the street so his "new girlfriend" could park her truck in the driveway. I smiled. I looked at my phone to see a "goodnight" text from...well...let's just say someone who makes me smile in a different way. I smiled.

Right now...much has been accomplished so far this morning. Tuna salad made and chilling in the fridge; towels and sunscreen packed; laundry done and...let us not forget....my blog! Albeit looking back now I would be utterly surprised if anyone should read down to this point! Coming from someone who is not much of a reader...but quite obviously a writer. 

Today is a new beginning.......I SMILE!!!

What a week it has been and sadly, not only have I been short on time to keep up with my blogging, I've surely lacked the strength to do just about anything. Short of divulging my life story; my struggles; or my "issues," per se, I can only state that my mental energy has started to surface slightly with the inner power I know I have to overcome anything that God chooses to challenge me with. This, of course, is not to say He "has it in for me," for lack of a better phrase, but I'm a firm believer in that He only gives us as much as he knows we can handle. Apparently, at least from what I've experienced, He thinks I'm She-Woman! Nevertheless, I know the point of this blog challenge was to give us the motivation to write on a daily basis, hence no excuses really! With that, I will simply say, this past week is nothing compared to what I've endured in the past....and will assuredly try my best not to falter on my writings. If anything, I should view this challenge as a means of releasing built up tension. Not necessarily by revealing my life story, but digging out that creative niche buried deep within and start putting words to paper (or computer as it were) sending my mind and soul into a world outside of my own worries. Having written little things in the past, I know full well...once one begins to write, the world as we know it personally, tends to disappear momentarily; no fear, no stress, nothing to think about other than what the mind is focused on creating a story whether fictional or non-fictional. That is, of course, provided it isn't an auto-biography! Something I'd prefer NOT to do.
At this time...I will make this one brief as today is the day my daughter has her placement auditions for the performing arts charter school she has been accepted to for next year. While there have been a few rough patches this week...in the end...it's all in the mind and how we choose to handle them! Today...I opt to take them on wholeheartedly and strong-willed. Proud of my children and grateful for what I do have! Strength is all we need truly to survive our own destruction.

Everything happens for a reason!

When I first noticed the 30-day challenge...intrigued and ready to finally bring out that whimsical writer I know is buried within me. The side that has stewed in my brain for well over twenty years. "Oh...where shall I start?" "What canny, inspirational writings can I place on these pages to capture the attention of a reader that I hope to one day truly do with the novels I ever so desire to create?" I've never been one for reading, but the ideas I have for others to do so...is longing to come to the surface. It will one day. However, after a number of days researching "blogging" I realized how sad is this? I have to spend time on a computer...something non-existent back in the day when I once took that quick paragraph that came to mind and put it to an actual piece of notebook paper using that old fashioned mechanism we called a pen. With that, I decided to ease up a bit on trying to dig out the novelist in me and maybe spend the first week or so giving a little insight on "ME." After all...any book we pick up these days...open to one of the pages to find the heading "About the author" so why not start there? So be it......though only as brief a synopsis as I possibly can muster. I am quite the talker and that often can be seen in what I write.


Life (rather the last 22+ years) has not been so easy for this young lady! Well...maybe I'm not so young in age as I'd like to be, but it's not in how old you are, it's how old you feel that matters. Heh...if you were to ask any of my friends, they'd be the first to state I most definitely am not one to walk, talk and behave like the age that I am. Not to say I'm "immature," for lack of a better word....I just live my life to the fullest now! And this is where I began:


At the age of 19, I met my ex-husband. Wanting an escape from the home life I was in, after meeting him one night...going out two days later...him leaving town, as he was a salesman that traveled, and a months worth of phone conversations; he offered me that "get out of jail free" card by inviting me to travel with him! I jumped at the chance to run...run far, far away from that dysfunctional future that was sure to be had I stayed at home.  Albeit, it was nothing of which one would consider too terribly brutal.  Merely parents and one brother who I knew, even before I was that age, had issues far beyond that which I wanted to continue to learn from. Sadly, I had no clue that the next fifteen years I was bound for were to bring me not much more than what I had when I left. That is, of course, with the exception of the three miracles that have kept me alive through all the trying times.


I had no dreams or desires for that fancy wedding or many children at that time. I was the party girl who just want to get away and have some fun.  That changed dramatically within months of joining him in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Blessed by such a turn of events yet somewhat of an amusing story! While there is no need to get into quite the specific details of how it all came about...I will simply say....we both were young, naive and.....well....considerably stupid! Would you believe, we truly had a serious discussion one night; a night merely three weeks after my arrival; drinking, in turn putting a whole new meaning to "hindering our ability to think with a clear head;" and we came to the definite conclusion that we were both infertile! No doctors; no tests! Our very own "we know everything" deductions based on our past! "Oh...well we must be 'sterile'!" Sweet! We were so sure of this, let's just say that three months later we were utterly astounded to find.....Misi was pregnant! OH?! How could this have happened? No regrets!


So there it began! And here I am! Three fantastic children later....I've been divorced for eight years and in my future writings I'm sure it will come to light just how much I went through in that time of wedded bliss (being absolutely facetious in that it was more like torture)...how much I've struggled since that day he walked away for a Bigfoot hunting witch! Not bitter at all, I assure you! He met her on the set of a documentary production with her being the host in search of Bigfoot having been seeking him since the age of five when she saw him watching her through her bedroom window! Maybe humans aren't the only species on the planet prone to some form of pedophilia?  Then...she would spend her nights before bedtime placing lit candles throughout the room and preparing the Quija Board for a nightly ritual! Oh....he sure thought she was the catch of his life...until she returned to her husband. Karma! And quite the amusing story for me as began my journey into my true beliefs of "everything happens for a reason!" 


Regardless of how my past played out, I am truly blessed with those children of mine...my wonderful twenty year old son who struggled through some trying times in high school..fighting addictions and now, almost overnight, the most responsible, most respectful young man and...my protector; my seventeen year old son who is truly a person of his own mind...never a follower, nor a leader...but at that age where he loves Mom with all his heart, would do anything for me provided it's AFTER he's had his time with his friend meeting some girls at BW's; then my absolutely beautiful and vibrant fifteen year old daughter. Like her mother....outgoing, fun, social and vibrant....never afraid to speak her mind...proud of who she is and despite the typical teenage girl struggles she's gone through....positive attitude beyond belief! For it is these three astounding children that I sit here today...alive and smiling; my strength; my reason for being! Fate had it's plan and I approve wholeheartedly of it!

Good morning fellow bloggers! 
Well, here I go with the first of, what I hope will be, 30 blogs. Being one who loves a challenge, not to mention a thriving writer deep within me, I knew this was what I needed to be doing for the next month. Maybe longer, should the desire for blogging remain.
Admittedly, my thoughts; my writing skills; my inner most feelings along with creativity comes in the wee hours of the morning. Yet here I sit...after a rather stressful first hour in the start of my day...unable to think of words to put down. Having taken days upon days to figure out how to even set up a "blog" page, I began to doubt. Guess you could say, after years of Facebook play, using that and that alone to speak my mind; to talk about my days; to talk about my faith; to talk about my strength..this is definitely going to take some time to get accustomed to. Even more so after reading the blogs of others taking part in this unique challenge. While feeling rather inadequate in my own writing at the moment in comparison, not to mention a very short amount of time to babble (as that's all that seems to be flowing right now), I accept this match, albeit not exactly a competition. Determined and dedicated, I will continue with the faith that I will endure, bringing forth some interesting ideas, thoughts and creative dissertations to enlighten or maybe even amuse others. 


All that said, it is time I bid you adieu for this morning and begin my regular routines of my mornings. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, with a mind much more at ease, coffee freshly brewed and plenty of alone time to spend putting my thoughts in words in this little box without having to crunch as much in as possible before life's responsibilities! 

Testing this thing out! And this here is my "Positive Post" for the day! Something I truly need on this trying day!