A new day; A new beginning!

It was 5:00am and for the second day in a row, I rose from that old flattened pillow; sat up; looked at my phone and smiled as I hopped out of bed to begin my day! Whilst no one could begin to understand by that comment just how significant that was, it was truly my sign that things not only needed to get better in my mind....they ARE getting better.

After my 'ex' left me over eight years ago, my life was an up and down, intense roller coaster struggle. But I fought and fought and worked my way from never being allowed to work from the time we met at the young ol' age of 19 until he, what I have always described as, deserted me at 33. No work history, no money, no job and three young children to care for. Leaving the dreary and rather negative details of the previous years silent, in the first couple years of his walking away, there were many things I, to this day, regret having done. Nothing astonishing; nothing illegal; nothing damaging to one's life. Simply decisions in which the blasphemous, overpowering and controlling life spent with him forced on me through naivety and ignorance. Looking back now....even at the time he had left...I was still but a child.  I continued for two more years believing he cared and knew what was best for me and our three children. I walked away leaving all I had behind, though not out of sight. While the house was no longer a part of my life, my sons and daughter were and always have been. Despite that, it took years for me to find that inner self-worth. Once I did...watch out world! A woman who started that new life innocent and gullible brought myself from a low-paying job doing school photography and a self-esteem that was so low it probably saw hell itself, made it through many jobs in the security field, though never quite making it to the top. Yet, that strength within me continued to grow and grow. I knew someday...I was destined for good things. God has His reasons and I had faith that the best was yet to come.

It was May of 2009 when I had received a call from the nursing home in which my lonely aunt had been residing in for nearly two years after her last fall due to her progressing MS. I was told she was going to the hospital for an infection. My mother (Rita's sister) and my father were unreachable and sadly, no other family member of hers (7 brothers and sisters and countless nieces and nephews) were willing to ever step up to the plate.  I was working as a security officer; probably the most rewarding on a personal level and making great money. More than I would have imagined merely a few years prior. I went to see my aunt.  It didn't take long to realize she was not doing well in that wretched home she was in. Nursing homes...a place in which one places their loved one to be cared for when they no longer can. A joke, nonetheless. Here, Rita, at the age of 57 (diagnosed with MS at the age of 20), walked in to the home originally using her walker, was now a regular bed-bound resident. Incontinent; unable to get out of bed without being lifted; unable to feed herself or even have the pleasure of taking a drink of water when she was thirsty. Her mind was withering, as well. After discovering she had been to the hospital 11 times in 12 months for dehydration, I became her Power of Attorney and moved her to, what I thought to be, a much better home. All the while, still working hard at my job and taking care of my children when I was so fortunate to have them. That, however, did not last long. Within two months,  yet another call received, I hurried out to my car leaving work early...yet again...and raced to see what the problem could be this time. When I arrived at 3:00pm, all she spoke was gibberish. Checking the pitcher of water placed on the roll around table in the morning and noticing it was warm, I knew the staff had not done their job in keeping her hydrated. I worked fervently to try to bring her back to normalcy. After a couple hours, she worsened eventually slipping into a coma like state. It was time to call for emergency help. Flabbergasted when the "head nurse" informed me they can't call 911 until they have "all the proper paperwork ready for paramedics," I dialed from my cell phone. In an hours time, Rita was in the ER; doctors scrambling; x-ray machines being rushed in; codes on the intercom being called to her room and we were merely told she was in a bad state and we needed to wait in the family waiting room. So there I sat, my mother and father by my side, all of us pondering the situation. What could it be? She was just dehydrated, right? Why such a fuss? Why such chaos? Why? What? Oh Lord.....let her be alright!

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, a surgeon came to us to explain her colon had burst. She was Septic! Surgery was an option but he insisted she would never survive it and gave her approximately three days to live. Here I was....finally working on bringing my life together and I had a decision to make. A life or death decision! Standing by her side, leaned over, I begged and begged her to tell me what to do, despite her being completely incoherent. Though many believe it was in my own head...that doesn't matter to me. I know what I heard! She whimpered slightly. Nothing that could be understood by anyone, but to me? She wanted to fight! That was it! Do the surgery!!! Despite the nearly heated argument with the surgeon as he insisted it was a poor choice, I knew this was the right thing to do. If she didn't make it through grueling procedure....that was HER choice!!! Not mine! Letting her go on that gurney would have made it mine and that just wasn't my call to make I felt. She survived!!!!!!

At the time of her release from the hospital a mere one week later my life changed completely! The job I was so proud to have was no longer an option. Rita never having been married, never having children of her own, never even so much as even having a pet....she came home with me. My life was spent at home caring for her. While I gave up much of my life for this...it was worth it. I still had my children; so did she. I had my beloved dog, Orlando; so did she. My parents eventually moved in to help out and though it was a very stressful, pain-staking, low-paying and daunting job....it was my calling! Rita now had things in her life she never had before! Love!!! People who truly cared. And despite the countless doctors telling us time and time again that she would be lucky to survive a couple months, this fine lady had the strength far greater than anyone could possibly imagine and provided us the pleasure of having her with us for another 2 1/2 years.

October 2011 was the time. I had to finally make that distressing and heart-wrenching decision to put her on Hospice. She had simply grown too weak to fight certain infections. She rallied for two weeks. Sunday, October 30th at 3:33pm Rita took her last breath. We cried, but we smiled at the same time. For Rita not only was finally out of her misery, she was able to spend her last days with.....FAMILY! And her last hours and her last breath with myself, my mother, my father and....the only pet she'd ever known...her protector through her last years, Orlando laying on the floor at her bedside. She was gone; she was at peace! 

While we mourned the loss, we also rejoiced she was in Heaven with my grandma! Yet....the worse was yet to come. 

No life insurance...those of us caring for her made little money doing so...we struggled more than we've ever struggled before. The hardest time of my entire life. My 'ex' leaving me the way he did had no comparison over this. I had given up my life; no job; no money; funeral expenses; household expenses and the list went on. Within days I was so distraught, I was ready to give up. It was that following Wednesday and my head was spinning with thoughts of what to do now, what will I do in the upcoming weeks, how do I care for my kids when they are with me, how will I pay the bills. We had visitation that morning and she was due to be cremated that night. I laid in my bed, Jack...the trusted teddy bear my daughter had given me years ago to hold when she was not with me; the one who's seen and heard the worst from my mouth, my heart and the many tears that covered him over the years, was wrapped ever so tightly in my arms as I wept; sobbed rather. Telling God I'm done! I can't do it! I give up! I simply cannot survive anymore tests He'd chosen to bestow upon me. Pill bottle in hand....but what about my children? Then something came over me.  Something that simply cannot be explained. Something that many would not understand. Amidst the downpour of tears.....I was smiling! SMILING!!!! This absolute feeling of relief had completely overwhelmed my entire soul. I sat up confused and amazed at the same time! Everything was going to be alright! I knew it was! And....I know it was God, my grandma and my beloved Rita holding me tight at that moment, instilling their love and strength into my being! It was fantastically amazing!

I continued to struggle for the next few months. I mean...what happened to me that night wasn't a "fix all" event. I had to work...physically and emotionally! I gave it everything I had. Within five months, I was hired not only back in the security field, but to head the entire security department of downtown high rise. Having lived with someone (husband, boyfriend, roommates, parents and my aunt) for the past twenty years, I finally got a place of my own! All on my own! I moved in April and the first days were utterly relieving. Then...loneliness set in! My new job and home took me nearly 30 minutes south of my children. I didn't like being alone. Depression started to hit. Once again, I stood strong and within one week, joined 3 volleyball leagues and one kickball league. Kept me busy...yet I was still so lonely way out in this small community so far from anything and anyone I had known for twenty two years. When it was once the norm for me to wake at 4:30 or so every morning, I slowly resorted to making the "snooze" button a regular morning routine; no energy; no motivation; no desire to face my drawn out lonely day. Crawling out of bed; dragging; one cup of coffee not doing a thing any longer. Financial struggles off and on, my 20 year old totaling his car just before I moved (he was to live with me and now had to remain north due to his job) and with my hours and the driving distance, my other two unable to see me as often as they used to. All this is not to mention the fact that my seventeen year old son is at that age where friends (and girls) are a key part in his life right now, spending an entire weekend with Mom and not being able to pop back and forth with his "crew," well he often opted to stay in Fridley on my weekends.  Though, despite my morning lows, I continued my days holding to my faith, my strength and my belief every single day that "Today" is a new day. That everything will work out. And if it doesn't today? Tomorrow is a new day! And here...is today!

My kids are finished with school for the summer. Mikey (my oldest) finally got a new car and is moving in next week after a very long work weekend for him. My 'ex' brought Mitchell and Christina to me on Friday where they will stay for some time! With Mikey having a car now, he's more than willing to help out should they want to go spend a night with friends by their dads. Maybe pick up their friends to come stay here. He's going to help with bills. Last night, Mitchell and Christina made me dinner. Mitchell's best friend drove all the way down here to spend the night as we have a beautiful hot Sunday planned with a day at the beach. Yes....my SON wants to go to the beach with Mom!!!! Oh the smiles! Of course, he's begging to bring Orlando with as he openly claims to me "But Mom, he's our 'Chic Magnet'" but nevertheless....he's here with me. No alarm this morning....my eyes opened before the sun and there was no sadness! No lack of will! All happiness. I turned to see Christina laying next to me cuddled with James, her trusted teddy bear, and I smiled. I got out of bed, came into the living room to see Mitchell and his friend having fallen asleep on chairs  while watching movies late last night. I smiled. I looked out the front window to see Mikey's SUV parked in the street so his "new girlfriend" could park her truck in the driveway. I smiled. I looked at my phone to see a "goodnight" text from...well...let's just say someone who makes me smile in a different way. I smiled.

Right now...much has been accomplished so far this morning. Tuna salad made and chilling in the fridge; towels and sunscreen packed; laundry done and...let us not forget....my blog! Albeit looking back now I would be utterly surprised if anyone should read down to this point! Coming from someone who is not much of a reader...but quite obviously a writer. 

Today is a new beginning.......I SMILE!!!